Lets take a break for a minute and talk about something
that's probably on your mind. OK, you might be asking: "How
can I expect an abstinent lifestyle out of my kids when
I had sex as a teen?" That's a good question!
But let me ask you this -- Have you learned anything since
that time? Do you have new information that has helped you
to see that some of the choices you made as a teen were
not good ones? Then you're NOT a hypocrite when you expect
different behavior from your children- you've learned from
your mistakes-..and matured into a person of character who
sees the consequences for your behaviors. - and don't want
your child to have the same struggles.
Let's say, on the other hand, that you're presently engaged
in a non-marital sexual relationship with someone. In that
case, you need to know that you're modeling that as acceptable
and healthy behavior to your children. You see, you are
being a role model, whether you're trying to be or not!
But here's what research has shown about cohabitation before
marriage:
A) those who cohabit before marriage have substantially
higher divorce rates than those who do not; the recorded
differentials range from 50-100% (Axinn and Thornton, 1992
"The relationship between cohabitation and divorce,
Demographics)
B) couples who live together before marriage "separated
more often, sought counseling more often and regarded marriage
as a less important part of their life" than those
who didn't live together before marriage (Cunningham and
Antill, 1994)
C) couples who are living together have less healthy relationships
than married couples. "They have lower relationship
quality, lower stability, and a higher level of disagreements"
(Stets, 1993, p 251)
D) "Aggression is at least twice as common among cohabiters
as it is among married partners" (Stets, 1991, p 670)
E) couples who live together "are less committed to
their present partner as regards the possibility of sexual
encounters with others" outside of the current relationship
(Cunningham and Antill, 1994, p 88)
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10) Living together does not help to form healthy marriages,
but it does send a message to children who are watching!
Our behaviors don't just affect us; they also affect those
around us who we love!
11) Help your teen develop long-term goals. This helps
them plan for the future and learn the importance of delayed
gratification. Goals take a plan, a purpose and hard work.
12) Help your child develop good refusal skills. Let your
child know that if he/she is ever in a dangerous or compromising
situation, he/she can call ANYTIME and you'll come and pick
him/her up.
13) One parent jokingly said on occasions to those who dated
his children: "Now you need to understand, my son//daughter
is leaving here as a virgin, and I expect them to return
as one"(p88 Dating Strategies by Gary Swant). Making
the expectations clear to a date isn't a bad idea. Even
a shirt has "care instructions". How much more
valuable is your son or daughter?
14) The REACH lending library has videos and books that
can help you communicate the abstinence message to your
children. We also have free booklets and pamphlets that
you may have free of charge. E-mail us or call for information
on how you can borrow these materials.
The fact that you're concerned about your children says
a lot about you as a parent. You'll probably want to add
other suggestions to the list. The important thing is that
you communicate the value of abstinence to your teen. Mom
and Dad, if they don't get the message from us...they'll
get it from the media, music and friends...and it might
not be the message we want them to receive. Parents, you're
the most important person in your child's life. Make a commitment
to your child that goes something like this:
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